Christy Kessler

After months, weeks, or days of hospice care, your loved one has died. At this point, you may be experiencing a wide range of complex and sometimes confusing feelings. These may include sadness, fear, anger, guilt, relief, and shock or disbelief. All of these emotions are normal reactions to loss, and they can vary greatly from person to person.

Having witnessed this spectrum of emotions throughout his years of walking with families through grief, Dr. Alan Wolfelt, a nationally respected grief counselor, author, and educator, has come to identify six needs of mourning. It is only after these six needs are met that we can move toward healing and reconciliation following a loss.

But what are the six needs of mourning, you ask?

The 6 Needs of Mourning

The journey through grief often begins with a meaningful, healing, and personalized funeral or memorial service. The more personal, the more healing. Dr. Wolfelt has found that those who take part in a meaningful service have a firm foundation for their grief journey and “through their own grief work and through the love and compassion of those around them, are most often able to reconcile their grief and go on to find continued meaning in life and living.”

People often mistakenly think of the funeral or memorial service as an act of closure. This isn’t the case. In fact, the service is only the beginning of your grief journey. The challenge ahead of you is to walk through each of the six needs of mourning along the way toward healing.

Let’s look at each need individually and discuss what each one may look like in your life.

Need #1 – Acknowledge the reality of the death

When we lose someone we love, our minds naturally rebel against the knowledge. We don’t want to believe what has happened, even if we’ve had months of hospice care to prepare. We reject reality. But in order to heal, we must confront the truth. So, in some way, you must come to acknowledge the reality of the death. This may mean spending time with the body before burial or cremation, attending the funeral or memorial service, visiting the graveside, or something as simple as intentionally using the past tense when speaking about the person. In time, your mind will accept the reality of what has happened, and you can begin to process through the emotions of loss.

Need #2 – Move toward the pain of the loss

Dr. Wolfelt says, “I have learned that if we are to heal we cannot skirt the outside edges of our grief.  Instead, we must journey all through it, sometimes meandering the side roads, sometimes plowing directly into its raw center.” After caring for a loved one through a serious illness, you may feel tired and emotionally spent, which can lead to an emotional shut down. This is understandable. The funeral or memorial service gives you a start on confronting your loss, but it will take time. It will take intentionality.

Instead of turning away from what you feel, allow yourself to grieve and heal. This may mean talking to trusted friends about your experience, writing in a grief journal, going for long walks, crying, or vigorous exercise to release stress. We all deal with our emotions differently, but as long as you aren’t hurting yourself or others, do what you must to face the pain and let the emotions out. Emotions that are stifled or allowed to fester will only lead to pain down the road, so deal with them as they come now.

Need #3 – Remember the person who has died

In order to heal, we must shift our relationship with the one who has died from one of physical presence to one of memory. To do this, it’s important to actively find ways to remember the person who has died and to honor their legacy. In many ways, you do this by telling the story of your life with your loved one. According to Dr. Wolfelt, “the more we ‘tell the story’ the more likely we are to reconcile to the grief.”

So, be intentional about creating opportunities to share and to remember your loved one’s life. Bring friends and loved ones together for a shared remembrance meal. Don’t be afraid to share the stories of your life – growing up, in school, at work, at play, etc. Also, you might choose to create a memorial item, like a scrapbook, photo book, art piece, composition, or whatever else makes sense for you. As you create and design the memorial item, you engage with your memories and find comfort in them.

Need #4 – Develop a new self-identity

To some degree, our relationships give us an identity. Father, mother, sister, brother, friend, grandchild…and caregiver. After caring for a loved one with prolonged illness, you may feel a bit lost, like a part of you has died, too. This is because we gain some sense of identity from the roles we take on and the relationships around us. After losing a close relationship and the identity we held with it, we have to step into a new identity, whether we want to or not.

In order to move forward with your life, you must accept your new role and find a way to live it well. Try a new activity or start a new hobby. Go on a trip. Take a much-needed break. Meet up with friends for coffee. Volunteer for a cause you believe in or an organization that helped your loved one. All of these activities will help you discover your new role and help you transition from who you were to the new person you are becoming.

Need #5 – Search for meaning

As part of the grief process, we naturally question the meaning of life and death. Why did this happen to the person I love? Why didn’t they get better? The answers you find to these “why” questions will contribute to your search for meaning. The death of a loved one confronts us with an inescapable fact: we will all die. And because one day we, too, will face death, we must wrestle with how our lives look today. Ask yourself if there’s something you have always wanted to do or be known for. Have you done it? Why not? Is now the time to get started? Write down your thoughts, talk to friends or family, seek out ways to ask the hard questions, and if you do the work of grief, you will find the answers you need.

Need #6 – Receive ongoing support from others

Lastly, we need each other. We aren’t meant to go through life alone. The funeral or memorial service provides an excellent time to give and receive support, but you will still need support far beyond the ceremony. You may be tempted to work through these needs on your own – don’t. There are moments when time alone is needed, but also look for ways to invite others into your life. Find a group to support you – through church, school, or local support groups. The people around you can offer an incredible reserve of strength, kindness, and encouragement.

These are the six needs of mourning. You won’t necessarily experience them in any particular order. In fact, you may experience several at once. For example, you may sit down with a friend and receive support while also talking about your plans to make changes to your life. In this way, you are meeting needs #5 and #6. You will meet many of these needs quite naturally, but you should still be intentional about facing your loss.

And remember – grief is a journey. There’s no hurry. No set time frame. Sometimes you can move forward after three months, sometimes three years, sometimes longer. The time it takes doesn’t matter. What matters is that you are working through your journey and these six needs. You are looking for ways to reconcile yourself to what has happened and finding a way to move forward. Those who don’t find a way to move forward often become stuck in their grief, unable to move. Don’t allow yourself to become stuck – do the work of grief and find a way to continued meaning and new hope for the future.

Perhaps your loved one’s journey with hospice has been long and difficult. Maybe it’s been so quick you’ve barely had time to process what is happening. Whatever the case, grief has been present, whether you are anticipating a loss or just trying to make it through day by day. While every grief journey is different, we can all learn from each other’s stories. Take a moment to review this list of 10 books on grief and see if any of them may be able to help you as you begin your journey through grief.

10 of the Best Books on Grief

1. Resilient Grieving: Finding Strength and Embracing Life After a Loss That Changes Everything (Lucy Hone, Ph.D.)

Written by psychologist and resilience/well-being expert Lucy Hone, this book explores humanity’s resilience and ability to grow even in the face of traumatic loss. Hone began her own resilient grieving journey after the loss of her 12-year-old daughter, and in her own words, “This book aims to help you relearn your world…to help you navigate the grieving process as best you can – without hiding from your feelings or denying the reality, or significance, of your loss.”

2. A Grief Observed (C.S. Lewis)

C.S. Lewis is considered an intellectual giant of the twentieth century and one of its most influential writers. Widely known for his classic children’s series The Chronicles of Narnia, he is also the author of many theological works. Written following the death of his wife to cancer, A Grief Observed is an honest record of a man who has lost his beloved and must wrestle with life, death, and faith. You will find his words relatable and real – reflecting the honest struggle we each face in grief.

3. More Beautiful Than Before: How Suffering Transforms Us (Steve Leder)

“Pain cracks us open. It breaks us. But in the breaking, there is a new kind of wholeness.” With these words, Rabbi Steve Leder, leader of Wilshire Boulevard Temple in Los Angeles, lays out the essence of his book. It is the suffering, the breaking, that occurs during times of grief that leads us to live more meaningful lives. He outlines three stages of pain – surviving, healing, and growing – which lead us to find meaning in our suffering and new hope for a life that is more beautiful than before.

4. Healing After Loss: Daily Meditations for Working Through Grief (Martha Whitmore Hickman)

Offering daily meditations for those who are grieving, this book has offered comfort since 1994 and continues to be a sought-after classic. Each daily meditation is brief but powerful, intended to bring comfort and encouragement to any reader. Drawing on her own experiences of grief, Hickman creates a book that is relevant to all, no matter the loss or the year. With more than 1,300 5-star ratings on Amazon, this one is worth a look.

5. It’s OK That You’re NOT OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn’t Understand (Megan Devine)

The basic premise of the book is this: there is nothing wrong with grief. As Devine puts it, “Grief is simply love in its most wild and painful form. It is a natural and sane response to loss.” Using her own loss as an example, she talks about how difficult it is to grieve in our current culture and the importance of building our lives alongside our grief – learning how to reconcile our lives to it – rather than seeking to “get over” or overcome it.

6. Understanding Your Grief: Ten Essential Touchstones for Finding Hope and Healing Your Heart (Dr. Alan Wolfelt)

Dr. Alan Wolfelt, respected grief counselor and director of the Center for Loss and Life Transition, packs a lot of helpful information into this relatively short read. He discusses the difference between grief and mourning, the factors that make each person’s grief unique, and the need for mourners to treat themselves with compassion. In addition to a wide range of information, the book also includes journaling sections to allow you to engage and write down your own thoughts and feelings.

7. Chicken Soup for the Soul: Grieving and Recovery (Jack Canfield, Mark Victor Hansen, and Amy Newmark)

Filled with the stories of other grievers, this book is both inspirational and comforting. As you read through the stories, it’s easy to see that every grief journey is different and every loss unique. Through the poignant and relatable stories shared, you will find yourself appreciating life and receiving strength and support from the lives of others.

8. Life After Loss: A Practical Guide to Renewing Your Life After Experiencing Major Loss (Bob Deits)

Drawing on more than thirty years of experience in helping people cope with major loss, Bob Diets provides practical help with navigating the unknowns of grief and helps you find a different, but no less meaningful, life following a loss. Filled with compassionate insight, Life After Loss is considered “one of the classics” (Dr. Earl Grollman) and a “roadmap for those in grief” (Lawrence J. Lincoln, MD).

9. Safe Passage: Words to Help the Grieving (Molly Fumia)

Written by a grief expert and grieving mother, Safe Passage gently and lovingly guides you through the stages of grief and toward hope and healing. In her own words, Molly Fumia says, “On the path toward healing, I learned two surprising lessons. The first is that grief is the most patient and persistent of all of life’s companions. The second is that grief is an ancient, universal power that links all human beings together.” In Fumia, you will find a compassionate and steady friend.

10. Living When a Loved One Has Died (Earl A. Grollman)

In the pages of this book, Earl A. Grollman, an internationally recognized bereavement counselor, explores the various emotions associated with mourning, the pitfalls to avoid, and how to process and work through the complex emotions of grief. Grollman gently guides the reader through learning how to heal in their own way because we each grieve differently. No two people grieve in the same way, so now two grief journeys will look the same. Find comfort and learn how to move forward.

In these books, you will find a fount of wisdom, compassion, guidance, and information. Whether you need the information now or later, remember that there are those out there who have experienced something similar to you, and you can find courage in their stories.

If you’ve  recently lost a loved one or have a loved one currently in hospice care, you may be wondering about how “normal” your feelings of grief are. It’s important to realize that grief is different from person to person, so your grief journey is going to look different than anyone else’s (including your close family members). While many people experience “normal grief,” it’s possible that your experience may be different. If your feelings of grief become more intense over time and start to impact your ability to resume your duties at work and at home, then you may be experiencing complicated grief. Let’s take a closer look at what complicated grief is and how to identify this potentially serious detour in the grieving process.

First, Let’s Define Normal Grief

Before we dive into complicated grief (also known as prolonged grief), it’s important that you understand what normal grief looks like. Put simply, grief is your natural human response to the loss of someone or something you love. When you lose someone or something you love, you’re going to experience grief. The emotions of grief vary greatly – sadness, anger, guilt, relief, shock – but these are all normal responses to loss and are healthy signs of grief.

What Is the Normal Progression of Grief?

Immediately after a loss, you will likely experience acute grief. This is the initial period of time just after a loss when your emotions are unpredictable and you can’t concentrate on anything but the loss. In most cases, after a period of time, you are able to move into integrated grief. This is when you have learned to accept the reality of the death, have found ways to cope and adapt to your new way of life, and have begun to hope again, finding renewed meaning and purpose in life. Moving from acute grief (intense initial feelings of loss) to integrated grief (a reconciliation to the loss) is a natural progression through the grief journey.

This movement or reconciliation takes time, but it’s characterized by a lessening of the intensity of your grief feelings. You may bounce back and forth between sadness, shock, and anger for a little while, but then, your grief feelings gradually lessen until they become an ache that only occasionally comes back to visit you (normally around special days and events).

What Is Complicated Grief?

If after some time, your grief seems to be intensifying until all you can think about is the loss you’ve gone through, then you may be dealing with complicated grief.

With complicated grief, a loved one’s death takes center stage in your life. Many of those suffering from complicated grief are unable to resume normal life and are stuck in a state of intense mourning.

Complicated grief may require more of your time and attention and the help of qualified professionals who can walk with you get through a very difficult time.

If six months or more have passed since the loss and grief feelings have only gotten worse, then it’s time to consider seeking help from qualified professionals. Six months is not a hard and fast rule, as some losses will take years to recover from, but it is enough time to determine whether grief symptoms are lessening or worsening.

Symptoms of Complicated Grief

At first, many of the symptoms of complicated grief look like normal grief. However, if grief indicators worsen as time passes, then it could be a case of complicated grief. Here are a few symptoms to look out for months and even years following the loss:

• Intense sorrow, pain, or pining over the loss, focusing on little else
• Problems accepting the reality of the death
• Strong attachment to mementos/reminders or a strong avoidance of them
• Numbness, detachment, bitterness, and/or being easily irritated
• Feeling that life holds no meaning or purpose
• Trouble carrying out normal routines, including personal hygiene
• Increasing isolation and withdrawal from normal activities
• Denial and defensiveness when asked about the grief
• Guilt over feeling that they did something wrong, could have prevented the death, or should have died along with the loved one

Who’s Susceptible?

While doctors and mental health professionals are still learning about complicated grief, it’s believed that as much as 20% of those who lose a loved one will experience complicated grief. Unfortunately, no one is sure what causes complicated grief.

The cause may be related to your environment, personality, genetics, or chemical makeup. Complicated grief occurs more often in women and particularly those of an older age. Outside these factors, other circumstances may increase a person’s risk of experiencing complicated grief, including:

• The death was shocking, unexpected, violent, or premature
• There was more than one death in a short period of time
• You witnessed the death or suffering with the deceased (as with a long illness or hospice)
• You had a close or dependent relationship to the deceased person
• Social isolation or loss of a support system or friendships
• Past history of depression, separation anxiety, or post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)
• Traumatic childhood experiences, such as abuse or neglect
• Other major life stressors, such as major financial hardship

Seeking Help

It’s best to seek professional support and care when dealing with complicated grief. If you find that you or a loved one have been unable to make distinct progress toward integrated grief and that your grief feelings are intensifying (no matter how long it’s been), consider whether now is the time to seek help so that you can come to terms with your loss and reclaim a sense of acceptance and peace.

At first, you may think you can handle things, but over time, complicated grief can affect you physically, mentally, and socially. Without the proper treatment, complications could arise, including:

• Depression
• Suicidal thoughts or behaviors
• Anxiety, including PTSD
• Significant sleep disturbances
• Increased risk of physical illness, such as heart disease, cancer, or high blood pressure
• Long-term difficulty with daily living, relationships, or work activities
• Alcohol, nicotine use, or substance abuse

At this point in time, it’s not clear how to prevent complicated grief. However, counseling and grief therapy soon after the loss (especially for those in an at-risk group) is thought to help curb the severity of complicated grief and put you on the path to healing.

What Can Family and Friends Do to Help?

Because those suffering from complicated grief are susceptible to additional complications like depression, anxiety, or sleep issues, the best option is to speak with a professional, who can act as a guide through the entire journey toward recovery.

However, as family and friends, you can do something to help!

Offer your full and loving support to the person dealing with complicated grief. Be there to talk. Be encouraging. Bring small gifts or tokens of your love. Actively listen and don’t interrupt. Plan positive activities, like taking a walk or doing something they’ve always enjoyed.

They don’t need you to try to fix them; they need you to accept them where they are right now. Be there for them. Realize that complicated grief is difficult on both of you and the road to recovery may be long and difficult. But it is achievable! When we do the work of grief, we can find a way to reconcile ourselves to loss and find new hope and meaning for the future.

Whether your loved one’s time in hospice has been days long or weeks long, grief can still take you by surprise.

Grief is the natural result of love. When you love deeply and wholly, you open yourself up to the grief that will come when the person you love dies. And while death is a part of life, the certainty of death doesn’t make it any easier.

The simple truth is that it’s okay to hurt. It’s okay to NOT “be strong” in the face of loss. It’s okay to give yourself permission to grieve, to give outward expression to the internal anguish of your soul. You need to be free to express your emotions, not hide from them or feel ashamed of them. They are what they are, and they are a natural response to what you’ve lost.

It will take time and intentionality to come to grips with everything you think and feel. The following grieving and self-care tips are meant to assist you and give you useful tools for navigating through the ups and downs of the coming months.

10 Grieving & Self-Care Tips

1. Anticipate feeling a range of emotions.

People experience a wide spectrum of feelings at the loss of a loved one: shock, numbness, denial, confusion, yearning, anxiety, fear, guilt, sadness, relief, and more. You will certainly feel some – if not all – of these. It’s normal and natural to do so.

2. Don’t be afraid of your feelings.

You feel what you feel. It is what it is, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with the emotions that may be coursing through you. We all feel loss differently, and there is no comparison because every person and individual relationship is unique. Try not to stifle, ignore, or stuff down your feelings. Instead, accept that you feel what you feel and it’s okay.

3. Give yourself time.

Grief is a journey, not an event. You will need time to come to grips with what life looks like without your loved one. You aren’t necessarily going to spring back into life the way it was before. It’s okay to give yourself a little space and take more breaks. Grief is hard work, and you need time to work through it.

4. Find ways to express your grief.

What you do is going to depend on your personality. For some, it’s helpful to go into the backyard and chop wood or spend time at the batting cages whacking the balls over and over again. For others, creative expression is helpful. Many times, journaling, creative writing, painting, drawing, arts & crafts, or other types of self-expression help you make sense of the seemingly senseless feelings going on inside. And if you are a person of faith, prayer, meditation, or worship, these activities can help you express your grief.

5. Take care of yourself.

Most people feel more tired and less energetic when they are grieving. For this reason, it’s important to practice self-care and get plenty of sleep. If you are having trouble sleeping, stay hydrated, limit your caffeine intake, and sleep with your bedroom dark and relaxing. Additionally, eat healthy foods and participate in some kind of physical activity on a regular basis.

One thing to watch out for is numbing activities. It may start out as a coping mechanism but beware of allowing numbing activities to distract you from dealing with your grief. Common numbing activities are food, alcohol or drugs, anger, excessive exercise, TV or movies, books, isolating yourself, shopping, or losing yourself in work. While these may help you cope, they won’t help you heal and move forward after a loss.

6. Allow others to walk alongside you.

You don’t have to walk this road alone. In fact, it will be much less stressful if you do accept help from others. There’s an incredible scene in The Return of the King, the third installment of The Lord of the Rings. Throughout all three movies, Samwise Gamgee has faithfully walked alongside his dearest friend, Frodo Baggins. Together, as they seek to destroy a powerful ring and save all of Middle Earth, they face danger and hardships, feel lost and hopeless, and at one point, Sam even fears that Frodo has died. And then, the moment comes. Frodo is so near the end of this incredibly taxing quest – this journey that has sapped him physically, mentally, and emotionally – and he says, “I can’t do this, Sam.” After some fortifying words, Sam says, “I can’t carry it [the ring] for you, but I can carry you!” This is why we need friends along the hard journeys in life. They can’t carry our burdens for us, but they can help carry us along; they can provide the support we need to move forward and find new life and new meaning.

7. Take time to talk about your grief.

Sometimes it’s helpful to talk with a safe person about the emotions swirling around inside you. If you aren’t much of a talker or aren’t ready to be vulnerable with someone, write your thoughts down. However, if talking to friends and family simply isn’t working, then consider the benefits of a grief counselor. Sometimes the grief we feel is so incredibly deep that we need help getting back onto solid ground. If that’s you, it’s okay. You aren’t alone, and there is help.

8. Cultivate an attitude of gratitude.

During times of grief, we often turn our focus inward. While this tendency is natural, it may also lead to feelings of isolation and intense, singular focus on the loss we have suffered. Cultivating a lifestyle of gratitude and self-care can help you better process a loss by moving your eyes beyond your pain, allowing you to see the good things in life that still remain. Gratitude increases positive emotions and overall well-being, improves sleep, and fosters resilience.

9. Keep your loved one’s memory alive with traditions.

While death deprives us of a loved one’s physical presence, that doesn’t mean we’ve lost everything we love about that person. Our relationship becomes one based on memory rather than physical presence. So, use traditions to keep a loved one’s memory alive. Our personal traditions encourage us to remember. They comfort us and give us a sense of familiarity and peace. For example, if you and your loved one watched a certain movie every Christmas or birthday, keep the tradition alive as a way to feel close to them.

10. Treasure your memories.

As you grieve and practice self-care, make time to treasure your memories. Write your memories down. Tell the stories to others. Share the essence of the one you loved with those around you and keep their legacy alive. Your memories are your own to cherish forever and will be a continual reserve of peace and comfort. The grief journey is a meandering way, filled with many steps. And part of the journey is traveling back into your memories in order to move forward toward reconciliation. Your loved one may be gone, but their memory need never die.

May these 10 grieving and self-care tips help you along the journey as you grieve the person you love and find your way onto the path of healing.